I took a reprieve from my platform to help me clear out a lot of perceived understandings to rediscover what's out there. I enjoyed myself when I was writing a lot and creating but I realized it wasn't exactly creating nor was it understanding. I failed to grasp a lot other energies and how things work. I still don't have any idea but I don't find it to be meaningless. There's many things I feel that I have failed at in life but I also remember how much I have experienced, enjoyed and really got to endure. I have had a really great life in comparison to many but I have also suffered a lot both self imposed and inflicted but all together mine to experience and endure. I am stubborn, impatient, aggressive at times but also really loyal to stick things out with certain things in my life. I remember those whom I've had the pleasure and pain of knowing and embrace that it can all change and go away at the same time. I've struggled lately with myself and the world around me but still manage to get back to not giving up. It's not hope but it's just a force I can't explain. There's so much behind the scenes that one cannot always see or understand. I know that I have pushed away, blocked out or ignored and I've also chased, forced and really went after things in my life. I may not always have the right words or understanding but I've enjoyed myself for better or for worse. I've been able to perceive the possibility of situations being out of my control and open to worse case scenarios as they can come and know I'll try my best to carry them. I'm just always grateful for what I have and what I have had. I don't know what's in store for me but I'm trying my best to keep going. For anyone out there feeling lost, out of place and not feeling the love I get it. Self love is really difficult we can destruct very easily and give in to simple pleasures too often but also deprive ourselves of feeling those simple pleasures too. I feel like I've been living my last day everyday for a while and have hit a wall in terms of living that way. I used to live it in the opposite sense that I didn't think much about it going away and just lived in the moment or always planning for the future I don't know what is right or wrong but it feels at times it's all the same. Some really know how to make the most out of it and others are ok falling short. I've been both and many more. I pushed myself to just work hard and not make time to improve myself and I've also worked hard to improve myself but not make anything for the betterment of others. I've lived for others, lived through others and also lived only for myself. I think that's just what love is. Love isn't this continual love bombardment of support, softness and light heartedness but it is also that. I have been deprived of love for quite some time in feeling that lighter genuine feeling but I also know that love isn't always so light. We can perceive certain things as a threat or unfamiliar but I've found unconditional love towards all through difficult lessons. Those that I've had the most resistance towards or from I've been able to give the most love to after hearing from their point of view. Do I always agree with it, no but I am willing to take my ego out and know they have the right to feel the way they feel. My door is open but I close it often to not let too much take me out of my love for myself and how I feel about the world. Life might pass me by but I'm also really willing to embrace the confusion I'm feeling even when it's overwhelming but remember it's just myself creating that in my own mind. I can take a moment and appreciate the feelings and surroundings. I've been used to chaos and drama for so long I forgot what stillness was like. I was in peace and stillness for quite some time and then it left me and have been finding it again in small moments. Anything can be taken and it's something I always appreciate that I have anything left. I may not be able to see, hear or feel everything that others can but I'm also ok with that. Things might not be for me, I might be excluded or missing things but I feel like I'm also at peace with it. It's been a bit stressful trying to navigate this reality but I feel it's just how it goes sometimes. You can ask for forgiveness all you want and it just may not be reciprocated. I'm ok with that. I'm not quite sure how anything works anymore and am humble enough to know that I know nothing for certain. Perhaps maybe I'll understand something new or nothing at all and it's ok. I don't feel like a victim or being picked on even if things come at me. I might deserve it or I might not it's not for me to say. Hopefully anyone that reads this knows that you're not alone in feeling lost, confused, hopeless, depressed or any other feeling. You could have it all and still feel nothing or have nothing and feel complete. I haven't been feeling exactly complete for a while but within the absence of things I've also realized I'm still complete in a different way. You can always reach out if you're needing support.
Kate