Letting it the fuck go
When you realize that you are a codependent person the number one thing you realize is how controlling you are with others and then you go within and see how controlling your are with yourself. To control something means you are trying to have power over something. This is a power that you are yielding to manipulate, coheres and influence to go in a way that you want, not by the natural flow of the universe. When we go against the flow of the universe you are met with resistance. If you take a couple universal laws like law of attraction or law of vibration you can see how trying to control situations actually work against you in the long run. You might get a short term solution out of it but in the long haul you'll see that you are running off of a constant state of lack, fear and ego.
Before we get into all of that, let's shift our focus back to codependency and how control shows up. Here are some phrases that many codependent people say in their inner monologue and may never admit out loud, "ugh, I here I am again having to do all of this work while so and so just gets to live their life. They are so ungrateful, they are so oblivious on how hard I work. They don't even know how to do anything right, they would be lost without me." Or this one, "No, let me just do this please. I need to get it done right and I don't have time to explain it to you. I'll be fine." Or, "Hey, why don't you do this (because I don't want you to fuck this up) and and you do that (because you are too slow and incompetent) and I'm going to do all of these things (because I know how to do them correctly)."
These are very common instances where the codependent person is either victimizing their workload because they have purposely decided that they are the one that has to do everything instead of asking for help, delegating work or putting up firm boundaries on what they can and cannot do. To projecting and blaming others for their suffering or doubting others abilities to execute tasks to masking their control issues by manipulating situations where they are delegating work to people that controls their narrative. This aspect of codependency is an inferiority complex that is actually a warped superiority complex. The codependent person may complain, project, blame and gossip that someone isn't able to treat them fairly or isn't doing a good job and can't understand why they have it so much easier or better than them and they are stuck doing all of the hard work. They focus so much attention on how hard they work or that they are able to do things equally or better than someone else and are failing to see any results/praise that reflect that. Their constant state of lack fuels their need to control situations to go in their favor. They are unwilling to look at themselves clearly and see that they are the ones solely destroying themselves, not being compensated fairly and are actually more judgmental and critical of others than they realize, because at the core they are the ones most harshly judging themselves.
When your life is not going well the first response is to take some action to change that, this is to use control to change the outcome. This is normal and we should all be in control of ourselves meaning to take full responsibility for ourselves but when we are coming from a state of lack, avoidance, negativity, trying to take control over it this is going to result in less desirable outcomes. It is important to pause always and go within for the answers. Where are you out of control? Where are you giving your power away? Where are you trying to control others/situations? Where are you lacking focus? What are you running away from? Asking these sorts of questions allows you to take full responsibility for why you feel the need to control your situations. The difference between intention setting versus controlling your narrative is quite simple, your vibrational frequency. When you are taking inspired and aligned action towards setting new goals/intentions they should come from a place of hope, excitement, happiness, positivity but also discipline, deep knowing and authenticity. When most people are setting intentions who are codependent and have deep control issues they are always coming from states of lack, negativity, resentment, anger, and other lower vibrational frequencies and as we know with the law of attraction like attracts like. Whatever you put out there is coming back to you.
So now that you know these basic things or have been aware of them, how the fuck do I change Kate? Well change starts within and only you can go within, but there are great teachers, mentors, and external help that can keep you accountable, focused, in alignment and encourage, inspire and uplift you to stay the course of your journey. Control is quite simple the only way to combat control is to simply let go of it. Easier said than done right? But this is the way in which the universe works, when we ask for a solution it is create immediately for us the only issue is are we able to access it. The problem itself is almost always the solution. I am unhappy, ok well let's find what makes you happy. I am tired of living this way, ok lets find a way of living that works for you, I am unhappy in this relationships ok lets let it go so you can focus on yourself and see where you are not fully showing up in the relationship or if it needs to stay left behind, I feel that I am lacking confidence, money, time, etc. Ok where are you feeling fulfilled or let's find you things that make you feel confident, abundant and not pressured.
I think the biggest realization that I had to come to terms with my control issues was simply that I am not meant to know everything all at once on my terms. Getting really comfortable with the unknown and focusing and shifting my energy and perspective on things that I can control like my feelings, my responses and reactions, my needs, my own well being and that shifts into me being able to attract or go for things that I want to do that make me feel happier but knowing and learning how to sit in the uncomfortableness of not knowing. Most control issues are rooted in fear. You are fearful that people will take advantage of you so instead you end up controlling narratives and situations where you might even take advantage of other people because you aren't being authentic and making things go a certain way for you. Or you're fearful that you will fail so you will do anything to prevent this that you are forcing things before they are ready, not doing things to the best of your ability or doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result going insane. The list is endless, so the more that you're able to realize oh wow I am trying to control these situations in my life and pin point the fear or root cause behind them the easier it is to confront them. This requires great strength but mostly great compassion towards yourself to understand that you feel this way. Meeting our whole self is very scary, painful and so much more but in order to truly embrace yourself you have to accept all parts of yourself.
Control issues are directly rooted in shadow work, your negative traits that you are denying, justifying or repressing highlight the aspects of yourself that need to be loved and integrated the most. Our negative traits are part of us and they are important to honor that we feel this way. The more that you deny them or think that they are bad the more you find this in other people and wrongly or harshly judge them and remember law of attraction like attracts like. To truly be in control of living your best life requires you to fully accept yourself and control your own self not external to you. You cannot build externally until you have built internally. You don't build a house without drawing up a blueprint, taking measurements, getting permits and then laying the foundation, same is said about yourself. You cannot become your best self if you don't know yourself.
As always keep shifting your perspectives and finding the delights in everyday moments.
Love and Light,
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